I'm NOT a patient person.... I'm used to wanting something, making a plan, and making it happen. For the past three years it has been anything but like that. You would think that by now I would be used to it but I'm not. If anything I feel like it's getting worse the longer it takes. Today I've been catching up on some editing for my Youtube Channel and I'm filled with "if only". If only my periods weren't so painful, then I could try to conceive again, if only I actually wanted to be pregnant, if only I actually wanted to have a newborn, if only things were easier, if only things were different. I do miss the feeling of
hopefulness that came with every cycle. I even did a video a while ago about what I miss about ttcing but why I won't ttc again. Everything in that video still is true but I am still pulled to that addiction of peeing on sticks and the feeling of hope every cycle. The "maybe I'm pregnant" feeling. But there is so much pain with trying to conceive. Not just the physical pain but the emotional too. I think it's even harder than when I first posted that video because of the additional diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve. My eggs are rotten so there isn't really much hope that I could even get pregnant with my own eggs. It's just a huge waste of time and money, and of being in pain, and of being tired all the time, and probably a lot of missed work. But that addiction to hope is so strong.
Adoption is just an endless wait. There are days of hope but right now the end result is so far away. I don't feel like I'm moving any closer to bringing my daughter home. I just feel like I'm stuck. Stuck waiting forever. I HATE this feeling. I wish I could just glimpse into the future to see that it will all work out, that it will be totally worth it. This journey is so much harder than I thought it would be when I started it three years ago. I never thought I would be here right now writing about how I'm tired of waiting. I thought I would be sharing the daily adventures with my child. But nope, still waiting.
Right now I'm trying to stay focused on the end goal. It is going to take me about two years to pay off my debt, then another two to save up for the adoption. And that's if I can work at least six days a week and while still living with my parents. It's going to be a rough four years and it's hard to see that all this hard work will be worth it. That every sacrifice will be worth it. But I know it will be.
Another thing I'm trying to work on is fundraising for the adoption expenses. Ever dollar I can raise towards it brings the time it takes for me to save up for the adoption down. It would be amazing if by the time my debt is completely paid off I have enough to jump right into the adoption process. I know it's not likely but it's worth a try.
If you're interested here's some ways you can help:
Make a purchase at my Etsy shop
Donate to my puzzle fundraiser (link is below)
Make a suggestion for other fundraiser ideas (so far I'm hoping to also do a bake sale, garage sale, and a raffle)
Keep reading my blog and watching my videos! Ads help support the adoption as well :) Plus I love having you around for your love and support. Thank you so much!
I am 30, single, vegan, and been on my journey to becoming a single mother since 2013. I have struggled with infertility and I am now on the path to international adoption of a little girl with Down syndrome. Come join me on my journey to becoming a mother!
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